Take a Step Back

I just watched the recent movie craze~~~ INCEPTION. dun dun dun!! :OThis is my face after watching the movie...like what the heck just happened... This movie... as the white boy behind me had said, "is twisted on so many levels." Well this movie gave my brain a kick to start thinking again.... and it got me thinking.... a lot... not just about the movie... but just life. I had been writing in a "super-top-secret-nobody-better-read-it" journal/diary since early April this year and had stopped writing in it since summer started. I opened it, read it just now, and realized my life was a prime example of 'utter fail'. When you read it with a clear mind, it is so obvious to see that God wasn't in the center of my life. (if you haven't started, I advise everyone to start a journal. It's healthy!... I think. hahaha). All you read about is me whining about this, about that, how can I do this, how will I do that, this is the best, this is the worst... and the list goes on. It is never about how much can I serve God more, how will I approach serving God, how can I help glorify His kingdom, How can I love others as God has commanded us. I take a step back... I close my eyes, breathe, and just mentally analyze the inner me... And still... I see struggle. I struggle with pride. I struggle with regret. I struggle with the past...what coulda...what shoulda...how...maybe....why...now.... BUT even when I think that I have that clear mind, my flesh continue to cloud my judgement. Every time.... I have to remind myself.. to take another step back and clear them clouds. EVEN WRITING THIS XANGA ENTRY I CAN CLEARLY SEE THAT I STILL FAIL. Past couple of weeks has been good to me. It was just so refreshing and relaxing and provided me the opportunity to really just let my body rest from all the brutal physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental beatings I took this past year. Well budddddaaayyy~ I don't got the guts to say it in person, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you!! : ) and most importantly, thank you J-man of the heavens!! You always got mah back!! Please pray for me and our mission team, so that...more than safety, we would at LEAST have the skills and love necessary to be able to save one soul.... and this can only happen through Jesus Christ alone! so please pray for us!!! Thank you! ...and that's all he said